I fell in love for the first time when I was 24. he had words. He called me 'princess'. nobody else had ever used that word with me. i had been married before. to a person i wasn't attracted to and didn't want to love, who abandoned me at a homeless shelter when i was 6 months pregnant with his daughter. i fought after that. the homeless, pregnant person. walking around in north texas applying for jobs at chicken restaurants and mcdonalds. i fought the good fight too. so sick and fat and ugly and pregnant with this huge baby. we came out of it. she was 3 when i met Him. my love.
but i liked being single. it was GOOD to know i did it. 11.00 an hour during the day. fucking strangers at night after the babies slept. paying for our simple life with the only thing i knew how to do. the little bit i had was mine. it belonged to me. i took on more jobs. i was working at a school that taught kids how to fix cars during the day, 10 hours a day, 4 days a week. then, friday thru saturday i worked 12 hours a day as a CNA. Friday nights i cleaned churches with a baby playing at my feet. i had to drag her everywhere, i was too scared i'd lose her. so she came and helped mama clean. sundays i worked at costco setting up floral displays. and every other moment i wasn't working, i had strangers in my home i was fucking to make extra.
no one could have what was mine. you can't touch my door. it's mine. i pay for the right to decide who gets to touch my fucking door every month. do not knock. you can't look at me. i'm mine. i pay to be me every time i put a stranger's dick in my mouth. i earn 50.00 and that is my self worth and you can't have it. no one. i know people. and i don't want them and i am mine and you can't have me.
then He came and changed that. i drove all night from texas to ohio to get him. and straight back thru. He held my hand. and called me "princess". He gave me my Favorite Place. i got to put my head there and his arms went around me and He'd tell me secrets, whispers. about hope. and that i was pretty. and i would lay in that place and cry and He knew why and He loved me anyway, in spite of and because of it all. my best friend.
and He let me kiss his toes. and serve him. and He worked hard and i worked hard and we were a family. finally. the Princess and Him. i am not pretty. i am ugly. i am built like a tonka truck and struggled with my weight and didn't have princess hands or princess teeth or princess smile or princess anything. but for the first time, ever. i believed i was beautiful. i believed in love. not the fucking kind of love. where people put their hands on your body. the friend kind. where people give you and you give them all of what you have, even the bad ugly things. and they're made sacred and good.
i was so desperate to believe it was real that i did not see that it was made out of things that don't exist. He had a fetish for blondes. i am puerto rican. we aren't blonde. He had a fetish for tiny little girls. i am not a tiny little girl. He hid his truth. while He gave me the secret things i didn't want anyone to know i needed because i was scared. He knew those things i had to have without me saying them. He gave me the pathetic shit i needed so He could have a mother. in the end, i am a good whore. i sold myself to Him, but not for money this time. for hope. and He paid for a good whore, the kind that strokes the black hurting parts of your soul back to life. He was a sick, evil mother fuck.
i'm 30 now and He's gone. He cheated. a lot. and lied about it. a lot. i ran 3,000 miles to get away. by the time He was done with me i'd learned my lesson about what being fat can steal from you. so i wasn't fat anymore. in the end, it was me on the floor, shaking so hard. like parkinson's. and Him spitting on me. telling me to do the world a favor and die. telling me i was a worthless mother. telling me i was ugly. telling me i wasn't allowed to touch him or look at him. and laughing as i sat in the floor choking because i couldn't breathe because i was panicking because i could not understand what was happening. when He was done, so was i. no more me. He taught me to accept the truth. that the babies needed something whole and not broken. something that didn't struggle like this and drag them along through the dirt of mistakes that never go away. He taught me that doing right by them would mean walking away so they could have a chance. He taught me that there is no hope. none.
somehow my body survived Him. i ran away only for the babies. by the time i got to the place 3,000 miles away i couldn't talk anymore. i would just look at people and blink because i was too scared that using my mouth would make someone spit on me like He did. i was too scared id be hit or pushed. i flinched when men walked too close to me. and i would start not breathing right again and i was so ashamed and furious at myself for turning into this thing. that i would go sit in the closet and cut myself to try to get calm and fucking stop already and just be normal. and i came away with this gift of a rage bigger than i am. because there is no more me, not what i was. im tiny and nothing now.
and He couldn't stop. He followed me. He called me. He tried to give me back what He stole but when He took it, he burned it up and it was ashes. but He was the only chance i had left. after my mama and her sickness. and my daddy and his death. and being thrown away and thrown away and thrown away and thrown away. i gave Him the little part that was left that i was saving and protecting because once it was gone so was my hope and faith and trust and desire to still breathe. He had it, and set it on fire. and it was dead and gone now. but He tried to give it back and i was so desperate to live that i accepted that sick fucking shit.
so now i'm in that place 3,000 miles away just barely holding on. my dream is to get the babies to a place where i'm not so they can get away from my insanity and have a chance. because i can't give them what they need. and then to get on a bus. and go to california. and find some heroine and stick it in the veins in my toes and die while i watch the sunset on the beach and apologize to my savior for throwing it all away.
i am so sorry.
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